Jamie and the Shadow
A three-day-old forgotten chalk outline, of
yet another who gives a shit victim, is just washing away as it circles the
sewer, so definitively poetic. It must be sad that someone was ended there, and
so unceremoniously forgotten, as the rain erases a last stand, so why do I find
it so funny? I look at it, I see it and I remember everything, every last
detail, because I did it, Jamie doesn’t, she is three floors above this memory
obsessing over her phone and her social court of opinion, she is so blind, that’s
why I am here, she created me and placed me in her world.
everything she can’t face. She turns off the lights, my weakness, and I
disappear, that’s how she tries to defeat me, then I take revenge on her and
make her remember.
alert, jealousy and hate 3.0, this time it’s a meme of her profile picture,
SWIPE RIGHT FOR LESBIAN or LEFT FOR COCK SLUT. the social pressure is too much,
the swipe voting has begun and the returns are coming in, “I just can’t deal
with this shit right now”.
Profile Delete, or no? Come on Jamie delete it, it’s a shitty spam account
anyway right? For tonight forget the stress and the desire to hurt yourself,
that’s not the answer. The answer, turn out the light and allow the shadows to
With the sun
rising, the light shows the truth the darkness kept hidden, Jamie’s room is
devoid of a personal touch, desolate, sad and inhumane by any prison standards.
The last thing she wants to do right now checks her phone; so don’t. “Well it
may not be my best work, but who cares no eats, and little sleeps, I dress how
I dress”. Jamie gets herself motivated to face another day.
“Do I even dare
turn on my phone?” That’s how it starts, as soon as the phone is turned on and
the upload avalanche starts.
See that didn’t
take long, it’s building, her phone is already melting down with a tidal wave
of voter’s opinions, 50 / 50 on the lesbian cock debate, and some real deep
seeded troll hate. “One hour in and I already hate today”. Jamie confesses as
she fights her impulse to flash her look in a mirror on her way out of her
She takes her
bag, laptop and her phone, no real makeup, and our clothes are always clean
they just look thrown together the HOT MESS – HOMELESS but NO STRESS- look, and
she is out the door. From the third floor she takes in one last breath and
holds it all the way to the street below, like the air itself is toxic, stale
smoke, weed, and drunk hallway sex gone wrong, and piss holly shit the piss.
The railings and walls breed a species yet discovered.
School is a
twenty-minute walk and as she hits the street, I am obediently awaiting her
arrival. In silence, we walk together. Words don’t always need to be exchanged
to have an understanding.
school is always a great experience, (lies) and the toughest time (not lies),
this is where we split up, for now but I am never far away until a break or the
end of the day, it sucks to have to face most of this alone, it’s like I
already know how it will all play out, once inside the shit day continues all
the way down the halls is like being on display and judged. Everyone gets
judged and unless you are part of a mob, then the mob gets judged, otherwise
you are judging alone and being judged for being alone.
even see it coming almost never does, but I do, she will learn to listen and
learn to trust me.
It starts off
slow in a group chat, with a message alert, then gains traction and more alerts
about Jamie and a guy named Derek, poor bastard, he is just a victim pick of
the day, so convenient and not really socially connected. Derek is new-ish to
the school, not a typical fuck boy, more like an easy target, that’s how the
shit goes sometimes. Then the pile on starts. Apparently, the story is they
were seen behind the school during football practice having sex, full on.
touches the thread will add their own spin, this is going to suck for Jamie,
she doesn’t even know Derek they have one class together and never speak.
It doesn’t take
long before the story makes its way to Jamie’s screen, the thread shows how the
shit storm grew and in no time even people that she considered friends were
adding their own views and opinion’s. It blows up in science class and she is
trapped there, she begins to go out of her mind, she needs to run, anxiety off
the charts. Muting her phone makes no difference the sounds have stopped but
the vibrations will not stop, they come in fast and feverish.
So much for
friends, she raises her hand, and begins to leave even before she asked to be
excused, the answer doesn’t matter she is gone. All she can do is escape to the
second-floor bathroom her ceramic sanctuary.
Hiding in the
stall, she pulls her feet up into the fetal position, just like most of your
lunch breaks. Through her fixed and determined stare, Jamie tries to so hard to
disappear, this is when all the bad thoughts come back and dismantle her from
the inside, the worst of all attacks. Her phone is still going crazy, she can
hear voices approach and she prays they don’t come in. No luck, the door opens,
the excited laughter erupts from the group that invades her safety.
makes the space smaller. Happiness is anxieties kryptonite, she puts her buds
in and fights to launch her panic playlist, the fuckin battery is low, fuck.
The more anxiety she lets in the greater my chance to get released, come on
Jamie let me out I can help you. In loud thunderous echoed laughter, they are
tearing Jamie and Derek apart. All the shit that was out there in the cloud is
now hitting her live and it hurts way more, hearing it makes it too real. It’s
so unfair but it happens every day it’s the social media viral STI spreading
faster than someone can say mental health.
those fucking voices, guardians of doom preventing her from running away,
trapping her in the stall entombed and doomed. “No choice, gotta run, escape,
break out, panic, panic, nothing is working, no one to call, no bars, low
battery, wrong playlist”. Jamie is so focused on her meltdown, solutions are
impossible to see, let me out Jamie I can get us out of here away from the cold
tiles and dirty lipstick kissed mirrors, make up incrusted sinks and a row of
toilet seats no one ever sits on; gross.
The sound of
water and laughter are followed by the voices carried into the hall as the door
closes, finally. “God at least they washed their hands, I think, double gross”,
just needs to count to ten, breath and get the hell out of there. She can’t
take it any longer and makes a break for it. Bursting out of the stall, she
slips and trips the last remaining girl at the sink and face plants her head
down hard breaking her nose and front teeth, blood is everywhere, great job
Jamie so proud. The truth is she didn’t slip it was a violent attack against a
bitch that deserved it, bleed in peace bitch.
No sooner does
she hit the outside air, and I am instinctively there by her side, it is so
good to be out. Ja
Let the games
begin. For what feels like hours we just walk, in total silence, just walk, her
phone won’t stop, it should be dead soon. I know what they are saying, the
rumors are hurtful, they attack her physically. It’s unrelenting, it gets
worse, screenshots and pictures from who the hell knows get added. It doesn’t
stop there either, questions about Jamie’s sexuality and experimentation start,
LGBTQ issues are now weapons of a hate campaign, all unfounded and fabricated,
but the more outrageous, the more haters want to believe. I have no words.
My job is to
stay with Jamie every step of the way, that’s what I do, that’s what I have
We just keep
walking, there is no concern for safety, the thought never enters our mind, the
idea is to walk until lost. The longer we walk the less important I become, at
least that is how it can feel. Jamie’s pace is steady and as the sun starts to
set I find myself dropping back. The sun is going down and soon Jamie will be
on her own, she knows I can’t stay.
Jamie is now on
her own, and honestly didn’t even notice, she didn’t even notice that it was
dark out. Looking around she has no idea where she is, mission one done, I am
resolved to be reduced to a mere flash at night, but believe me, I am still
outside she is still feeling confined and judged by everyone that passes her
she isn’t even aware that she is talking, I like to think she is talking to me,
but it is out loud and it makes her look crazy, just like in school and the
bathroom stall. She is still trapped in the same skin. The phone is still sending
messages, “Fuck isn’t this thing dead yet”, Jamie confesses out loud. She wants
it to work and be dead at the same time, ha ha ha I love it when she gets
tweaked, normally she would be thinking about self-inflicted hatred but outside
she usually keeps it under control, plus I am still here, ha ha ha.
million-mile stare, and a focused disregard for where she is and her safety
Jamie talks and walks herself all the way to the dangers of the back-alley
injection dens and seriously shitty people, this is a place where no one goes
willingly, it’s where you go when life flushes twice. Jamie is so out of place
here, like a girl in a red dress in a black and white movie. Jamie also doesn’t
notice that I am still with her, if she could see it, would I be more than
flashes of ignored companionship so easily overlooked.
Jamie sees nothing, she can’t, until she is confronted by a tall figure that
blocks her path. There is no choice but to take notice. This evasive horror
stops her instantly, a brick wall of reality, she was not prepared for this.
Even I didn’t see this shit coming.
Who the fuck is
this guy standing there, the shock steals the air from her lungs stopping her
dead in her tracks, the stop is so sudden and alarming she steps right out of
her shoe and hits the ground at his feet.
look on this strangers’ face is horrifying, this is what defines a life, this
is judgment, choice, and a conclusion, this is that defining moment. I am here
for you Jamie, you don’t remember but we have been here before. “Hey, I don’t
need to ask you where you are going, I know you are lost, only the lost find
this place so that means you must be intending on staying. I am okay with that
but there is a price for admission, and another price is for leaving in one
piece”. This is the frightening sales pitch made to Jamie.
If terror was a
weapon that could kill, this ass hole would already be in a body bag but that
may not be near future for either one. Jamie is frozen on the spot; fear has
trapped her here. The stranger moves forward. She is still on her knees after
tripping out of her shoe and at his mercy. Holding her breath, she waits for
fate to unfold.
He hits her full
force with an open hand to the side of her head clipping her ear, disoriented
and instantly, in severe pain, the world goes silent except for the continuous
sound of cicada’s making sounds in the woods, “maybe silence does have a sound,
fuck that really hurt”, are the inner thought that Jamie has as she pulls
herself back to her knees, still paralyzed by her fear. This ass hole has no
right to even think of touching her, I refuse to let this shit happen, it’s on
“good this will
be much easier”, the stranger says as he attempts to pull her head close to his
midsection as he prepares to drop his pants.
In the moment of
total fear and terror somehow she is able to reach around her and grabs some
broken glass; thank you I take full credit for this.
Her eyes never
blink or look away, she has a confidence and determination like never before
and puts her worth over another maybe or the first time. She looks up to meet
this assailant in the eye, with a half smiles and the strength and confident
determination she never knew she had says, “suck this fucker”, and she drives
the glass into his skin just underneath his scrotum as hard as she can, she
drives it deep, thrusts and then pulls it forward ripping a large gaping slash
and the blood dumps onto the ground. It’s like pulling the plug, maybe exactly
like that, nice work Jamie, so proud.
gaze is like he just dove into a near-frozen lake, unable to catch his breath
as the color drops from his skin and goes almost white, you could almost see
the life leave him before he hits the ground, shock takes over in an instant as
he reaches down instinctively to keep his insides, inside.
able to breathe for the first time, lets him fall to the ground fate will take
care of his future, looking down as she stands up just says, “sorry did I do
that wrong, I am not very experienced”? she kicks him in the stomach as she
incredibly brave, she has courage and rage she never knew existed. It’s amazing
what fear and anger together can make happen. Instinctively, she makes her way
back to the third story shit hole asylum, somewhere along the way she throws
the broken glass into the gutter. Still numb from her terrifying encounter, the
adrenaline high has kept her from noticing the stares of the horrified people
in the streets, Jamie didn’t realize that her hand and arm are covered in
blood. Her heart is still racing, recovery is slow. Jamie doesn’t even look
back to see the aftermath. The impact of the social media avalanche seems less
important to her right now.
Standing at the
window of her room overlooking the street, it is only then that she that she
has probably left a small blood train from where she was to her doorstep, and
it is a good time to wipe away the mess and check the cuts on her own hand.
Looking out over the New York City streets she considers that maybe death does
have a color, it is a flash of every color possible then the absence of all
color, and no sound, it is quiet and all-consuming it was that guy’s moment to
confront possible death, “he brought that outcome to himself, he may have died,
maybe that was his goal, either way, it was his choice”. Jamie reasons.
A gentle rain
starts, as she plays the event back in her mind and contemplates why she was
fighting for her life, and what did she really save. The rain washes away remains of the day, same
rain, same drain, why is this all so familiar she wonders as the water starts
to cleanse the streets so more lives can be taken away. Turn out the light and
allow the shadows to become night.